That Girl, erm I mean Woman.

I recently met with a life coach for the first time in… well… my life. It was actually my friend’s mom who was visiting from of state who asked her daughter, my friend, if anyone she knew would be interested in a pro bono initial session. I think the response in my text was something like “OMG. ME! PICK ME.”

I arrived having dropped all the kids off at school, with my laptop, a notebook for taking notes and a cool outfit on. Despite this outside appearance of confidence, I was a ball of nerves. The night before I woke up at 2pm from a vivid stress dream, in which a woman, with a 1990’s mom hair cut (Think Amy Poehler’s hair in that old Mom Jeans skit on SNL), yelled at me for not being good enough at anything I tried and that I should set my sights lower. I woke up, told myself my friend’s mom would NOT be like that, and somehow manenged to fall back asleep.

Ten hours later, I met my friend’s mom, who instantly put me at ease and welcomed me into the session with a hug. I’ll spare you the gory details, in which at one point I cried and more than once I looked at her dumbstruck at the simple things she pointed out about relationships in my life and how they affect me.

Two hours later we hugged good-bye and I drove home. This happened only last week, and in that week so much has changed.

I’ve started to see each decision I make during the day as a chance to be That Girl. You know, that girl we all want to be? Fuck. I want to be her. I think I was here for a while…but it’s been several years since that time in my life.

They say (they being Mel Robbins in the fantastic book “The Let Them Theory” which I am currently inhaling and is also part of all of this change), that people won’t stop doing a bad habit, or start a new one until the pain from doing it is worse than the pain of doing it. Does that make sense? Like today for instance, I had a headache and went to lay in my bed and sleep it off, while the kids played uno. I curled up feeling grouchy and sorry for myself, and then thought “Do you really need a nap though?” I scanned by body. I wasn’t really tired, I was annoyed that I had this stupid headache (I still have it actually), and I was angry that this headache was taking me away from hanging out with my kids. So instead, I sat up and meditated. Now it only lasted five minutes before one of the twin’s came in asking for an after-school snack, to which I said of course and held her hand as we walked into the kitchen together. And in that little moment of choosing meditation over a cranky nap I chose to be That Girl, or That Women (I am 36 after all), and ended up having a great time with my kids. I also took Advil.

Or like this morning, when my alarm went off at 5am so I could wake-up and work on the new book idea before the kids woke up, what did I do? I turned it off, climbed back into bed and feel asleep. Then I woke up two hours later when the kids woke up and stumbled into the kitchen for caffeine and have felt off all day. You, see? I chose NOT to be That Girl, that best version of myself that I know deep down inside of me, patiently clawing her way out ready to show the world her face.

That Girl.

That Women.

Me.

I think that’s what this year is all about for me. Giving that girl a chance to become the woman I really am. And I know that sounds cheesy, and if anyone is reading this (Does anyone read this?), they may be rolling their eyes, but man. This concept is really changing the way I think about myself, and well, it makes me super excited about tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

“What will you do with this one wild and precious life?” - Mary Oliver

What will I indeed?

Night blog world,

-HR