An Open Letter (of Sorts) on This Side of Deployment

I’ve been piecing this together in my brain for months now. It’s been slow going. Even the title has been evading me. An Open Letter on the Stages of Deployment from the Homefront, or An Open Letter to My Friends on How I May React When My Husband Deploys, or even An Open Letter on Why Despite My Outside Appearance, I Am Not Actually Crushing It. Somehow none of these seem to say what I am trying to say, which is this:

I have a group of amazing friends, women I have known for years, some who live close by and others spread across the country. We have cried together, raised our kids together, danced together. The friendship goes deep, almost cult level some might say. We all have our places in friend groups and being a Enneagram 3 wing 2, I love to help, to entertain, to soothe, to shoulder, to encourage, to lead. I’m by no means the leader, but I have no problem organizing if there is a need. I don’t want to be the center, by I did want to be an actress as a child. I don’t want to take up space emotionally or physically, having been told my entire life that I am the “strong one”. Maybe that’s why I’ve been putting this off. I would much rather make you a meal, or watch your kids for the afternoon, or listen to your problems, then ask for any type of help for myself.

However, as this is not my first rodeo, I know that I cannot come out of this season without help. So here it goes: my cobbled together list of what the next six months might look like and how you can help. But first a tiny bit of education about the emotional cycle of being the spouse left behind as pharaphrased from Military.com

Emotional Stages of Deployment

• Stage 1: Deployment: Mixed emotions/relief the deployment has started. Disoriented/overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility without partner. Numb, sad, alone, withdrawn, increased anxiety. Sleep difficulty. Security issues at home while partner is gone.

Time Frame: 1st month

• Stage 2: Sustainment: New routines established. New sources of support. Feel more in control. Independence. Confidence ("I can do this"). Trying new activities. Outgoing. Inviting people over/wanting to be invited and included.

Time frame: months 2 thru 5

• Stage 3: Anticipation of homecoming. Excitement. Apprehension. Burst of energy/"nesting". Annoyance at time moving slowly. Difficulty making decisions. Constantly talking about spouse to anyone who will listen.

Time frame: months 5 thru 6

What’s a friend to do?

My husband has been deploying with Special Operations for over a decade now, and I’ve watched him deploy countless times. But I’ve also been on the other side, watching my friend’s husbands deploy and trying my best to be there for them. Here are some ways to support.

Stage 1: Deployment (Month 1)

What she is going through: Your friend is grieving her normal life with her spouse. The month before he deployed was very stressful for their marriage, and probably filled with fights, emotionally pulling away and very little down time to enjoy one another. Your friend is at her rawest form at this stage. She is numb. All she wants to do is sleep until her husband returns, but with three little kids a nap is not even an option.

How to help: offer to come over after the kids are in bed and be a shoulder to cry upon, drop off dinner, send her flowers, invite her to coffee, a walk, offer to come over on a Saturday and do her dishes. Fold her laundry while she cries or stares blankly at the closest wall. Tell her she’s doing a friggin great job. Don’t ask if there is anything you can do. Just show up. Remember she is numb and doesn’t know what she needs. Also, now is not the stage to gripe about your partner. Your friend does care, but she can’t handle that right now. Find another amazing friend to talk that one through. Above all: When she tells you she’s fine and doesn’t need anything know that this is not true and find some small way to help her anyway, even asking how she is doing is helpful.

Stage 2: Sustainment (Months 2-5)

What she is going through: Your friend probably seems really good now! An entire month has gone by, and she is getting the hang of life without her spouse. The kids are used to only talking to Daddy occasionally and are probably sending him letters and care packages. Your friend is probably excited about life (as much as she can be) and want to stay busy with new and exciting things to make the time pass. She also probably talks about her spouse a lot and it’s getting annoying. Also, she’s probably constantly setting goals and talking about her progress. She’s just trying to keep herself busy.

What you can do: Invite your friend and her kids over to dinner with your family. Invite them on a family outing with your family. Coordinate playdates after school. Remember that weekends for her are trying to entertain three people alone, so offer to help if you can. Don’t be weirded out if your friend’s kids are suddenly obsessed with YOUR husband. They just miss their dad. Talk to your friend. Be open about your life and know that your friend has more emotional bandwidth now. You can lean on her too. Listen while she talks about her husband and know that she doesn’t think he is better than any other husband on the planet, it’s just she has to talk about him to remind herself that he still exists out there. I know it’s annoying but trust me she’s not trying to be annoying. Chances are she’s annoyed with talking about him too. Support her goals, even if they are a little intense, and ask how progress is going.

Stage 3: Re-Deployment Stage (months 5-6)

What she’s feeling: Girl, she’s feeling a mess. Your friend is crazy excited, but also nervous, and scared, but at the same time she can’t wait. She can’t wait to be able to lean on someone for support around the house, and with the kids. At the same time, she is nervous about the reintergration stage after her husband comes home, did he change? Has she changed? Also, she cannot wait to get laid.

What you can do: Keep it up, lady! You’ve been doing a hell of a job supporting your friend. Be excited with her that this deployment is almost over! Ask if you can watch the kids while she gets her hair cut, go shopping with her to pick out a cute outfit to wear when she picks up husband. Help clean the house before homecoming if she asks. Bring over dinner a few times during this stage. Your friend’s brain is a little scattered with excitement and nervous energy. Most of all, know how much your friend appreciates you and your support over this time. She’ll probably send you a sappy letter or a gift when this is all over.

And that’s it! Easy right? Trust me, I know being a supportive friend to a Military Spouse is NOT for the faint of heart, but you are part of the village that is taking care of her so that her husband can globally take care of all of us. You helped make that happen. I hope you are basking in how awesome you really are.

XO,

Helen